imperfection and being ok with it

I feel like I have been away from writing for so long and yet, if I look back I couldn’t tell you what profound or time consuming things have happened, it just seems like life has happened to us for the past weeks. I do know that we are anxiously awaiting the end of June and our family vacation to Osage Beach at the Lake of the Ozarks. We have started early planning our lazy days, dining adventures and effortless week of sunning by the pool (and for my dad and husband, of course, the many rounds of golf that will be had!)

We have experienced another frustrating month of not getting pregnant. June ushers in the two year mark of throwing away the birth control and finally being able to acknowledge that we were ready to start a family. I am frustrated that month by month we can not achieve this goal. I struggle with this for many reasons, one being that it is my personality and nature to want to control and plan everything so I am completely helpless and out of control with this. More so I think is the frustration that we got pregnant once and that took 1 ½ years to do and I can not imagine waiting for that long again. I know that it will all be in the right time and I have said that to myself, have had many, many other people say it to me and I believe it except, why did we have to go through a miscarriage if it wasn’t the right time? I know in my heart that one reason may be because this was our assurance that everything was alright (physically speaking) and that it may just take longer but we have the ability to do it. I just have a hard time, when I get frustrated, remembering that.

We continue to be busy with work and church and continue to ride the waves of our church family. We had dinner with Phil the Presbyterian and his wife last night and they asked us how the church was and I realized, in talking about it, it is becoming more and more of an ebb and flow. It just depends week to week whether we have a good service and people are energetic or not. Things that I thought would influence this such as the weather, vacation season, etc. really don’t, it is pretty much a gamble. The hard thing is to overcome whatever way the day is flowing and just be in the moment and realize that all of them are sacred moments and that something good is coming out of all of them. I have learned to surrender the fantasy of Sundays without glitches and snags and just rest in the fact that our imperfect community can not always have a perfect Sunday morning.

It is good to be imperfect and know that we can be made only perfect through Him.