bigger than life and bigger than me

Yesterday, driving home, I got caught in a dust storm. Many of the farmers have tilled their fields, leaving their top soil loose. We had strong winds yesterday and the wind carried the dirt away and caused what would be like a white-out in the snow, and what I am going to call dirt-outs. That was a first for me, but I survived. I couldn’t get the windows up fast enough and a big cloud blew into the car and I licked my lips and my mouth was gritty because my face got covered in dirt. And they say it’s boring here!

Case and I have started using our “Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants” for our morning devotions. On Wednesday morning, our scripture was Hebrews 2. In small group last night we were studying Psalm 8, which is what Hebrews is referring back to in versus 6 – 8. This passage was brought to me two days in a row and I have to believe that God wants to impress something upon my heart with it.

“What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little[a] lower than the angels; you crowned him with glory and honor and put everything under his feet?[b]In putting everything under him, God left nothing that is not subject to him.”

I feel so small sometimes, so lost in all that we are doing, are called to do, want to do, want to become and bring to life. But I read this (and the rest of Psalm 8) and I am reminded that God loves me, little me. He painted the stars in the sky, he created the beings of the earth, made the flowers to smell and the sun to shine and yet, in all of that wonder, He has the time and the care for insignificant me – and in that I become significant in this tapestry of life. I believe that we fail to realize, more oft than not, what an impact just one person can have on the lives of others. It is a humbling experience when you are faced with that. We are humbled each time we get a card or an email from teens who had been in our youth group, some of them almost six years ago…they still think about us and want to share their lives with us. That is an awesome thing and an awesome responsibility when we really think about it. My challenge is to make sure that I make the most of each opportunity that I receive to be a part of something bigger and grander than me.

It is going to be beautiful tomorrow so the “boys” (my dad and Case) are going golfing and I am going to spend the day with my mom, my best and most special friend. Sunday afternoon will once again consist of nothing – reading, napping and general laziness. Hmmm…I love a nice weekend!

listening: stolen away on 55th and 3rd by dave matthews band from stand up
reading: again, the same….

feeling at home

Well, I just submitted my first article to the ooze today, so we will see how that goes. I used to write a lot when I was younger (that sentence alone makes me feel old!) and have failed to do so as of late. There is something cathartic about writing, it soothes the heart and the soul and melts your frustrations out of you.

Case and I went out for an unexpected lunch today and it was nice, we went to a favorite local place, the owner is a member of my book club and so each time I have gone in, the line backs up a little as we stand and talk literature. I have found out that she is a Barbara Kingsolver lover, much like myself, and has read the Poisonwood Bible multiple times – a gal after my own heart!

As we ate lunch, talked to locals who came in and we knew. Saw our very good friends, ran out of cash for lunch and had to bum extra cash from them. We sat there, across the table at each other and realized that we were content. We were content and happy being in there, in that community. This community is not the one in which we live (the dying village of 500) but rather, the town in which I work that is about 12 miles from home. It is a quaint town, much like Mount Vernon in size and age. We are happy here, in this town. There is enough to make us want to stay in this community. We have found friends here, we have found that we can fit in here. With Case’s affiliation with the college he has found an academic home, one that has embraced him when he needed it the most.

There is a position open here, in the good town, to be a preaching minister at the larger Christian church (membership runs about 800). Case’s desire is to preach and teach, end of story. We are entering this with prayer, knowing that this ministry opportunity would utilize his gifts, talents and abilities more than where we are now. It is his passion and I think that he would flourish there. We pray fully send in the resume and sermon tapes and will see what shall happen.

But, for now, it is good to know that we can find a place where we feel ok. It was nice today to sit and think that we felt content and happy somewhere. It is hard to be of our generation, we are so mobile, we don’t lay down roots like our parents and grandparents did. The average worker will spend five years with a company, no one thinks about staying for 30 and retiring from the same company anymore, it’s just not the way we do it.

But every once in a while it is nice to feel “home”.

Please be in prayer for our friends who have lost an extremely special friend, father and husband.

listening: the hum of my computer
reading: seven types of ambiguity (the disclaimer is this, the book is 600 pages, I am only ½ of the way through)

welcome home

This is my new space. This is the place where I can be authentic and real, where I can rant, scream, question, stumble around, relish, rejoice and think while being connected to friends who are on a journey with me.

The last post my husband posted on his blog was about his frustration of doing a funeral for a man unknown to him. He talked about the effect of doing this funeral, of the family dynamics, of the lack of interest in the man, etc. Of all the amazing things, this man’s granddaughter was bored and searched Google for my husband and found his blog. She was hurt, we got called by a church elder, we closed down shop, saying we would not blog ever again.

But, we need this opportunity to be who we are. As he said on his new space, “I needed this forum. It feels good to return”.

I think that one of the things that I have been most frustrated with, through all of this, is the fact that we have so little place in our lives to be authentic. I am working out my frustration by writing an article for the ooze about how, in contemporary/traditional ministry I don’t believe there is the option to be completely transparent with those to whom you minister – you always hold something back. They don’t really want to know us, they would run us out of town as heretics if they knew the things we thought, talked about, drank and smoked behind closed doors.

Some days I know that the only place I can really be me is when I step over the threshold of my front door. It is tiring, it makes you feel like a bigot some days. I know that feeling this way also keeps us from having complete community with our church and I struggle with that. Are we limiting what God can do by limiting our interaction with our church members?

We look at friends who have joined, for lack of a better term, “emergent” churches and we are jealous at the community they have. However, many of these communities are constructed of people from the same sociological, economical backgrounds with the same educational backgrounds, lifestyle choices, the same stances on drinking, swearing and secular music. Many are friends who started communities together. While that is so incredible and so awesome, it leaves us feeling cold. The problem is that we were called to this church family, they are completely unlike us. They were pre-fabricated before we came, they had their presuppositions, their lifestyles, and their ideologies set in place. We weren’t friends with them first, we were jammed into a place where we had never been before, in the midst of their already formed relationships. There in lies the challenge….but that’s for another day!

reading: "seven types of ambiguity" by eliot perlman
listening: "iowa" by dar williams (who we get to see next weekend!)